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Old 09-14-2014, 01:36 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Not really sure what to do....

A few of my concerns are

a) that my ex has basically my children are under threat to never tell me anything that happens when they are under her care. I can never reveal anything I know unless I know something corrective will come of it because it will just result in an escalation - more secrecy, more threats on the children.

b) I don't like the tape recording thing and I just did it to have something documented

c) I am worried to tell child protection and even a psychologist. The throwing knife incident can be interpreted as assault perhaps - do I want to open up that can of worms...

I am leaning towards bringing them to a psychologist but
a) She won't agree - can I bring them anyways on my time?
b) I guess I tell the psychologist my concerns but the psych can't tell my kids that he/she knows through me.

I have a cousin that is a child psychologist I am thinking I should ask....

I don't think the kids were trying to appease me, they don't really care - their answers were nuanced and they were saying "mommy loves us" so it wasn't a mommy bashing session... and sometimes they would say something and when I'd ask them to clarify it would end up being not as bad as they started off by saying.

The reality is probably:
-she threw a knife on purpose at my son
-she screams at them daily and occasionally she will bring them to tears due to the intensity.
The reason you're not sure what to do is that its very difficult to deal with these situations. You're generally torn between knowing that your ex deserves some right to privacy and raising her kids as she's sees fit and protecting your children from possible abuse.

First thing I would do is talk to your lawyer because certain things are specific to the terms in your custody order.

Second thing I would do (and did do with my own ex) was inform her that the kids are showing signs of stress and anxiety potential due to her conduct which is concerning you and if it continues, you will be taking action. This will result in one of two things 1) She'll be on notice and will start watching her behavior and being more careful or 2) She'll get significantly worse and you'll have more of a basis to call CPS and take further action. Its not fun to have to deal with this when you're worried about your kids and the potential of her escalating her behavior but the truth is that she's probably escalating anyway if this is actually what's going on.

You need to consider a couple things though. One, kids say things...and when they realize that there's conflict between two parents, they also can exaggerate...so try to take a step back and figure out if what they're saying is really based in reality or are you egging them on to exaggerate based on the fact that you obviously detest this woman. I'm not telling you to do this for your sake...I'm telling you to do it for their sake. Ultimately, if they're exaggerating this to gain favor with you and you take unnecessary action, the same thing can happen to you when you attempt to legitimately discipline them.

For instance, someone throwing a knife at their kid sounds literally nuts. Did that really happen or was there some other version of the story? Kids do exaggerate or make up stories. Its not unusual. So you saying "its reality" may or may not be true. Its really hard to say.

Seek legal advice, send her a note putting her on notice, and spend some time explaining to the kids what the difference between normal discipline (which she absolutely has the right to do) and abusive behavior is. One is none of your business and one you need to be informed of.

This isn't an easy issue to deal with...

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 09-14-2014 at 01:38 PM.
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